)Does the essay attempt to cover a definable, analyzable item? Item description and use? Analytical depth? Connection between description, analysis, and a sense of its possible implications, meanings, and use for a particular culture/cultural group?
Yes.
2) How effective is the essay’s flow? Are there issues with organization, transitions, and clarity? Give the author examples as you can.
I think the flow is off, it definetly sounds like there were two different voices writing the essay, and the flow between paragraphs wasn’t there. Write conclusions that also talk about the next paragraph.
3) How effective are the materials of the essay? Does the essay contain enough examples/illustrating material? Is there too much/do some areas need to be trimmed? Does the essay contain analytical depth?
There are lots of details and analyzation. I think some could be trimmed, because parts get repetitive.
4) How effective is the essay’s focus—does the essay stay on track and/or are there any areas that seem to be unrelated or less related than necessary?
I think the essay stays on track.
5) How effectively is outside research used in the essay? Is there too little or too much? Comment on its combination with the author’s own work. If there is none, what sorts of research questions might the author ask?
I think you might actually have too much research, it makes it harder to read the essay.
6) If present, how effective are the essay’s introduction and conclusion? Does either feel too generic or unconnected to the essay? How so? Do they seem integral to the essay itself? How so?
Both are good, I think the conclusion is especially strong.
7) How effective is the essay’s tone? Does the essay reflect consideration of being written for a general academic audience? If not, why not? If so, how so?
It actually might be too above a general audience. All of the research makes it hard to read and follow.
8) Is the item well-analyzed/analyzable? Does it need more focus or specificity? Is the cultural meaning connection clear enough?
Yes I think you have good focus and made good corrections.
9) Add your overall reactions here. And as always: Make some commentary on what you see as working well here. Give a sense of where a revision might go/what might be done next.
You have great topics in your essay, just trim a little bit of the excess research and increase the flow from topic to topic.
Student2:
1) Does the essay attempt to cover a definable, analyzable item? Item description and use? Analytical depth? Connection between description, analysis, and a sense of its possible implications, meanings, and use for a particular culture/cultural group?
Definitely a good, analyzable theme, description, and depth. Did a good job stating things then describing them, and gave some good examples of how our culture is changing.
2) How effective is the essay’s flow? Are there issues with organization, transitions, and clarity? Give the author examples as you can.
Organized well. Maybe don’t use “In conclusion.”
3) How effective are the materials of the essay? Does the essay contain enough examples/illustrating material? Is there too much/do some areas need to be trimmed? Does the essay contain analytical depth?
4) How effective is the essay’s focus—does the essay stay on track and/or are there any areas that seem to be unrelated or less related than necessary?
All of it was on track and made a lot of sense. A lot of citations, maybe too much?
5) How effectively is outside research used in the essay? Is there too little or too much? Comment on its combination with the author’s own work. If there is none, what sorts of research questions might the author ask?
There is a little too much. I felt like over half of your paragraphs were just descriptions pulled from other websites. If you added a little more about your feelings towards the subject, it would make your paper a little more personal and interesting.
6) If present, how effective are the essay’s introduction and conclusion? Does either feel too generic or unconnected to the essay? How so? Do they seem integral to the essay itself? How sow?
Introduction was good, maybe add something that really pulls the reader in though. I really liked the conclused, just not actually stating “in conclusion” and “this paper.”
7) How effective is the essay’s tone? Does the essay reflect consideration of being written for a general academic audience? If not, why not? If so, how so?
I liked the tone. Everything fit together well.
8) Is the item well-analyzed/analyzable? Does it need more focus or specificity? Is the cultural meaning connection clear enough?
Yes. Extremely clear cultural connection, and very specific examples.
9) Add your overall reactions here. And as always: Make some commentary on what you see as working well here. Give a sense of where a revision might go/what might be done next.
Describing how Facebook is changing our culture, and giving specific details on why made this paper really good. Nice tone, and just writing overall. I didn’t like some of the transitions, but that can be easily changed. Maybe take out some of the research, and add more about how you feel about the subject to keep the reader interested. I don’t want to feel like I’m reading a list of descriptions pulled from websites. Overall, I really liked the paper.
Student3:
1) Does the essay attempt to cover a definable, analyzable item? Item description and use? Analytical depth? Connection between description, analysis, and a sense of its possible implications, meanings, and use for a particular culture/cultural group?
There is a definable and analyzable item here. The descriptions and connections are used well.
2) How effective is the essay’s flow? Are there issues with organization, transitions, and clarity? Give the author examples as you can.
I think the essay has a good flow. A lot of it seems a bit wordy to the point where it could get confusing to the reader. Maybe try trimming down unneeded information.
3) How effective are the materials of the essay? Does the essay contain enough examples/illustrating material? Is there too much/do some areas need to be trimmed? Does the essay contain analytical depth?
It seems like you got a lot of outside sources which is good, but make sure you put everything in you own words and then take it a step further to makes sure that your reader understands what you are saying. Pretend they have no clue what you are talking about.
4) How effective is the essay’s focus—does the essay stay on track and/or are there any areas that seem to be unrelated or less related than necessary?
The focus was good, but like I said, its apparent you got a lot of outside information… maybe there are too many citations?
5) How effectively is outside research used in the essay? Is there too little or too much? Comment on its combination with the author’s own work. If there is none, what sorts of research questions might the author ask?
I think this paper doesn’t have enough of a personal aspect to it. There are many citations and you get the feel that the whole paper is written from different exerpts of different websites.
6) If present, how effective are the essay’s introduction and conclusion? Does either feel too generic or unconnected to the essay? How so? Do they seem integral to the essay itself? How sow?
The intro and conclusion were good, but I don’t think you have to add “the focus of this paper” and “in conclusion”
You also might want to try hooking your audience in a little more in the very opening.
7) How effective is the essay’s tone? Does the essay reflect consideration of being written for a general academic audience? If not, why not? If so, how so?
I think the tone would be good if more of a personal aspect was added as well.
8) Is the item well-analyzed/analyzable? Does it need more focus or specificity? Is the cultural meaning connection clear enough?
Yes, there are many specific examples and the item is clearly analyzed.
9) Add your overall reactions here. And as always: Make some commentary on what you see as working well here. Give a sense of where a revision might go/what might be done next.
I think this was a good paper! Just focus on the personal aspect, your transitions, and tweaking your intro and conclusion and you’ll be set!
Student4:
1) Does the essay attempt to cover a definable, analyzable item? Item description and use? Analytical depth? Connection between description, analysis, and a sense of its possible implications, meanings, and use for a particular culture/cultural group?
Yes.
2) How effective is the essay’s flow? Are there issues with organization, transitions, and clarity? Give the author examples as you can.
Kind of off, very choppy in a lot of places. Like two completely different people are writing it (which is true but not what you want here.
3) How effective are the materials of the essay? Does the essay contain enough examples/illustrating material? Is there too much/do some areas need to be trimmed? Does the essay contain analytical depth?
Repetitive in places. Good analysing but needs to be trimmed down a bit.
4) How effective is the essay’s focus—does the essay stay on track and/or are there any areas that seem to be unrelated or less related than necessary?
Stays on track.
5) How effectively is outside research used in the essay? Is there too little or too much? Comment on its combination with the author’s own work. If there is none, what sorts of research questions might the author ask?
Too much! It’s like every other sentence has a citation. It makes the paper choppier and harder to read in general.
6) If present, how effective are the essay’s introduction and conclusion? Does either feel too generic or unconnected to the essay? How so? Do they seem integral to the essay itself? How so?
Both are well written.
7) How effective is the essay’s tone? Does the essay reflect consideration of being written for a general academic audience? If not, why not? If so, how so?
Good tone. The research makes it hard to read but other than that it’s nice.
8) Is the item well-analyzed/analyzable? Does it need more focus or specificity? Is the cultural meaning connection clear enough?
Yes. A little less focus maybe with the research.
9) Add your overall reactions here. And as always: Make some commentary on what you see as working well here. Give a sense of where a revision might go/what might be done next.
Great ideas and etc there’s just too much going on in the space of just one sentence or two so cut down on that a little bit.
